For many people who knew me when I was younger this post may seem odd. I never wanted children. Throughout puberty and adulthood I had been pretty steadfast in my belief that I didnt want children. I was afraid that I was too selfish or that I would be a bad parent or that I couldnt be enough for my children. Then I meet my husband. Children were the line he drew in the sand of our relationship. I needed to come to terms with my feelings and it was hard. I love my husband and I know he loves me. I struggled for a long time before I finally decided that it wasnt that I had changed, but that my life had turned a corner I never thought it would.
It wasnt that I didnt want children, I just never thought I would be in a place in my life where children would fit or that I would be in a relationship stable enough to support children. I never thought I would want to be married before I met my husband, but after meeting him I quickly knew that I wanted to marry him. That I wanted to spend my life with him. Learning that I wanted children so dearly, was just another part of this journey in self discovery…..
My husband and I got married on October 6, 2012 after having been together since 2009. We did everything backwards to the traditional relationship milestones: 1.) date, 2.) buy a house, 3.) raise a child (we got custody of our 16 year old nephew), 4.) get engaged, 5.) get married. We loved our life in rural Arkansas with our 3 dogs (2 are ours and 1 we are fostering for my brother in law).
When we got married I was 29 and my husband was 30. We knew that we wanted a family and we knew that we weren’t getting any younger. Most of our friends and relatives our age have had kids for many years now. I told Michael that if we had more than one child that I wanted them to be about 3 years apart.
Knowing that I didnt want to be giving birth and raising an infant after age 40 (in an ideal situation) and that in a perfect world, we didnt know how long it would take us to conceive a child, we started trying to get pregnant right away. I quit taking my birth control pills a few days into our honeymoon.
I am a librarian, and what do librarian’s do? We research. So that is what I did. I found and read message boards, I learned about ovulation cycles and basal body temperature. I read What to Expect Before You are Expecting and several other books and articles.
On our 1 year anniversary we still hadnt managed to get pregnant. I have Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis, so I had my Endocrinologist run extra labs to see if there was anything thyroid related preventing us from getting pregnant. He found nothing he felt was causing our infertility.
I have always been curvy and big chested and have heard my whole life about my “child bearing hips” and I couldnt get pregnant. Yes, I know there are people who struggle for years with infertility. I know several and I know my struggle was no where near the trial that they had been facing, but I still felt inadequate.
We made an appointment with a fertility specialist in October that was scheduled for December, but after learning that my insurance would only cover the most basic testing once per lifetime made us reconsider our options. We choice to cancel the appointment and keep trying on our own until my annual exam at the end of January. We decided that if we still hadnt conceived by then we would ask the doctor for her recommendations.
As it so happens we got a positive pregnancy test on December 1st (15 cycles of ttc)! I was so nervous and excited. I took two tests to be sure. Michael wasnt home when I found out, but months earlier I had bought a super cute t-shirt that said “Daddy est. 2014.” I put this t-shirt out on the bed along with my two positive tests and when he got home I told him to come into the bedroom because I had a present for him.
He was so shocked and so excited. He hugged me and asked “are you sure?” He wanted to shout the news from the roof tops, but I asked that he wait. I wanted to tell our families at Christmas and I wanted to wait til the end of the first trimester to tell work (I live in a small town, so once one person knows the whole world knows).
We met with a nurse at my OB/GYN clinic on December 18th which was basically just blood work and we meet with the doctor on January 9th.
This blog entry will post to the public on January 22nd, and their might be a few follow up posts that go hand in hand with this one that will post around that time too. After that point, all blog entries about my pregnancy will be posted the same day I write them. I am so excited for this journey!